The greatest resource we have to help us in our journey through motherhood is the knowledge other mothers share with us. But nowadays it seems scarier than ever to open and share with others because we are afraid of being judged.
This can be even harder if you’re dealing with postpartum depression. You’re probably wondering, will people judge me? Not trust me? The one thing that is most important for us to do if we have depression after baby is to reach out, but sometimes thats toughest thing.
So, how do actually do it, and foster an environment where we can share our stories? How do we share information as mothers without getting defensive and feeling judgment? How do we stop judging each other? The best way is to own our story and listen to some great advice from Brene` Brown:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”
The key to this for me is to own my story and to be as authentic as possible, while being able to feel empathy for others. I can’t do that without allowing myself to be vulnerable. It is a little scary. Starting this blog is a little scary, but my goal here is to share my story in a way that could help other moms not feel alone. So I want to open up and share something that brings out a lot of shame for many moms.I’m on Zoloft.There is one thing that I could never have prepared myself for. The crazy roller coaster of hormones that comes after you have a baby, and the depression after baby that I felt. I’m lucky in that I never felt disconnected from my baby. I am very thankful to breastfeeding for helping me create an amazing bond with my girl, but I also had some incredible anxiety post partum.For weeks after giving birth, as soon as the sun went down I would just feel like my skin was crawling and I couldn’t settle myself. All I could do was try to breath and relax. I was taking vitamins and yes I’m one of those crazy moms who ate her placenta… But it was really just time that helped ease that anxiety.What replaced it though was a terrifying shift in how I saw the world. I was afraid for my baby all the time. Was she breathing? Was she in her car seat right? I would fight with my husband about the placement of the car seat in the car, convinced she wasn’t safe. I thought about death a lot. Not that I wanted to die or hurt myself, but having brought life into this world it somehow made me confront the terrifying fact that we will all be dead someday.This also faded, but after months I was still left with mood swings and some depression. Eventually I called my midwife. I went on Zoloft and the first few days it just gave me more anxiety. I didn’t feel like myself. But as I was on it for a few weeks, things got better.My biggest regret is not making that call sooner. I thought I was tough or could get through, but now looking back I wish I wouldn’t have made myself struggle so hard for no reason. I don’t know how long I will stay on the meds but for now they are helping.Honestly, I do feel some shame because of this. Like I am taking the easy way out or something. My brain tells me that’s stupid but in my heart I sometimes feel like I’m faulty or weak. How many of you feel like that? Whether it’s a struggle with PPD or not having a good milk supply or not being able to calm a colicky baby, don’t we all have something that makes us feel like we aren’t good enough?I’m not sure there’s a magical way to make us all feel better about these things, but for me the step in the right direction is owning it and sharing it. Brené is right. Through sharing our vulnerabilities with each other we can find kinship and belonging and love. In fact, it’s the ONLY way we can find those things. So I know it’s scary, but if you are going through depression after baby, please own that and find help.
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It’s so great you can talk about this! I have a history of depression and spent a vast majority of my pregnancy, depressed as well. I am very fortunate to not have postpartum depression though. I spent a lot of my pregnancy talking to my doctor and making sure I had all the necessary resources for it the issue were to arise and that helps me a ton.
Totally! I got myself extra prepped for my second pregnancy, but luckily it have had a much easier time this go around.
I suffered through PPD with both my babies. With my last one, it actually started coming on before I even had her from the worry and anxiety of the birth itself. I had a tough pregnancy with her and was on modified bed rest while also being a SAHM to a 2 year old. To say it was rough would be an understatement! With my first I had a c-section because he was breech and I was also trying for a VBAC with my second, so on top of the fact that I was worried about her coming way too soon, I was worried about having to undergo another c-section and not being able to breastfeed. There was just so much swirling around in my head that I finally went to see a psychologist before her birth to see if there was anything I could do or if I should wait until after her birth because it was literally just making me crazy. And I’m very sensitive to hormonal shifts as is. I was also placed on medication (that I’m still on) and talked things through with a therapist, and things have been fine since.
It’s so important to have someone postpartum that allows you to talk through all your anxiety because it really is such a big change in your life.
I am sorry to hear that you’ve gone through this. With all my three pregnancies, I kept myself busy, I mean really busy to ward off depression. I know it is such a difficult stage to go through but I wish you well.
I love that you’re talking about it and being honest with your story. It’s brave. And mama, you’re not taking the easy way out! It’s a hard path to navigate and you’re making decisions to be the best you for your family since that is already a big job and path to navigate!!