My Jeans Don’t Fit, I Didn’t Lose the Baby Weight… and That’s OK

My Jeans Don’t Fit, I Didn’t Lose the Baby Weight… and That’s OK

My internal battle over learning to accept and love my body rages on each day. Today I was reminded of how I never did lose the baby weight, and my jeans don’t fit.

My jeans don’t fit because my body just keeps wanting to hold onto weight even though I exercise and eat pretty damn well. I’ve been dealing with it well. I’ve been accepting and loving myself even though I didn’t lose the baby weight… then this morning happened.

My good morning was ended by the sound of a “riiiiiipppppp.”

As I knelt down to play with one of my twins, my favorite pair of jeans ripped right up the inside of my right leg.

I had noticed as I put them on this morning that they were just a smidge too tight. They weren’t quite as comfy as I remember them being even just a month or two ago.

Bummed, I threw the old jeans out after briefly considering and discarding the idea of repairing them. That’s when things just got even worse.

Pair after pair of jeans got tossed to the side as I realized it wasn’t just the one pair that was a problem. When I say my jeans don’t fit I mean jeans as in like… all of my jeans.

Not a single pair felt right. They all dug in at uncomfortable or unflattering angles. I guess I just didn’t notice so much until recently because well, I live in yoga pants like any self-respecting mom.

Right now I weigh more than I ever have in my life, besides when I was pregnant. Not only do I have “baby weight,” but I have some extra I’ve put on over the last year as well.

It’s one thing to know you’ve gained some weight. It’s another for an overstuffed pair of jeans ripping up the crotch to give you a news flash about it.

This sent me into quite a tailspin first thing in the morning. I did find a pair of jeans that somewhat fit after digging through all the clean laundry baskets for a stray pair of leggings or yoga pants to no avail.

But even that one pair that kind of fit still made me feel like I had to really squeeze in and suck in just about all day.

Did I mention this all happened before a single sip of coffee had hit my lips?

Look, first world problems, I know. No coffee and no clothes that are 100% comfy. There are so many people out there who have it way worse than my chubby butt does, but once acknowledging that, it still doesn’t erase the real pain that hits me when body image issues arise within me.

Since my early teen years, I’ve struggled with body image and disordered eating.

I remember being a varsity athlete in High School and still shoveling down diet pills and restricting my food because I didn’t look like Britney Spears. Literally.

Thinking about it now, it sounds absurd. But the shame over what I perceived to be a terrible and ugly body was real, and it’s still real to this day.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen a mom in a group ask how to lose the baby weight when she literally just had a baby drop out of her vagina a week ago… I’d be able to at least buy a few salted caramel mocha fraps.

Seriously though, the expectations on us to try to morph a body that went through an enormous transformation back into some semblance of what it was before another human inhabited it is ludicrous. Yet it is still real.

When I was pregnant with my first I just couldn’t fathom how I would deal with getting stretch marks. Like my brain couldn’t handle that possibility because NO ONE in my life or in the media ever made it seem normal to have stretch marks. The only thing I ever saw were women decrying their lost bodies and the baby weight and belly pudge that wouldn’t budge.

There isn’t a single time I can remember a single person praising a woman’s body except for its power to be a sexual object. And look, I love being and feeling sexy. That’s awesome too. But it is only ONE of the powers of a woman’s body.

I have times when I can look at my postpartum mombod in the mirror and appreciate it, even love it, even find it sexy. Then there are days when my jeans rip and I feel like a total failure at life.

Because for me, it isn’t just that I feel a little bad because I don’t have a perfect body. No. I am hit with a feeling of complete unworthiness. Like I am a terrible human being.

This part of me that will always and only see myself as disgusting no matter what size I am isn’t something I can easily reason with.

I know that I’m worthy. I know that I’m a good person and a good mom. But the poison that causes me to think otherwise is deep. So deep it’s hard to even access or understand how much it pervades my view of myself.

There is one thing I DIDN’T want to do when this mountain of shame landed on me this morning… I didn’t want to ignore it. Yet, I didn’t want to get sucked under by it or use it as a means to punish myself for my perceived flaws.

What did I do? I tried to do the most love thing I could muster for myself in the moment.

I went online and I ordered two new pairs of jeans in a size up.

In January, I’ll be 33. While I haven’t had depression, anxiety, body image issues, and who knows what else literally my entire life, but it feels like it sometimes. Plus, I’ve certainly dealt with them my entire adult life.

The one trick that I’ve found to be able to live with it is total acceptance.

So today I didn’t even try to convince myself that I was hot. I didn’t try to convince myself that I deserved to feel sexy even though I’m not what my brains says I should be all the time.

Instead, I just said to myself, “I deserve to be cared for no matter what.”

I wasn’t arguing with the voice in my head about whether I’m good enough or not. What I did was sidestep this internal dialogue and decide that it doesn’t matter if I’m good enough. I deserve love and care whether the judge in my head says I’m good enough or not.

That means on Wednesday, I’ll be looking for a package with some new skinny and boyfriend jeans in them that will actually fit and feel totally comfortable on my cellulite covered ass.

Being a mom is hard. Adjusting to a new body and realizing “my jeans don’t fit” is hard. Loving your body every day when you still have the baby weight is hard.

But whatever happens, you deserve care, you deserve love, and you deserve to be your own ally no matter what that little voice in your head says.

20 Mom Memes We Can Totally Relate To

20 Mom Memes We Can Totally Relate To

Sometimes you need some inspiration, and sometimes you need to laugh. These are mom memes we can all relate to whether they're funny, true, serious, or silly. I don't know about you, but on those tough when that I just need a little distraction from the chaos of...

15 Quotes for Following Your Dreams

15 Quotes for Following Your Dreams

Dreaming of accomplishing some big goals soon? These quotes for following your dreams will keep you going when you need some inspiration.   Need some inspirational quotes for following your dreams? When you are setting big goals for yourself, you'll inevitably...

Stomach Bug? Try a Smoothie for Flu that’s Toddler Approved

Stomach Bug? Try a Smoothie for Flu that’s Toddler Approved

Need to get some nutrition in your little one ASAP when they have a stomach bug? Try a smoothie for flu that is delicious AND nutritious. A few years ago, when my daughter who was then a toddler had the stomach flu, I jotted down this post to give other moms some...

What is Hygge, and Why Moms Need to Know About It

What is Hygge, and Why Moms Need to Know About It

For many of us, Winter is fastly approaching, bringing with it a feeling hibernation. Time to snuggle in and get cozy, and get acquainted with what is Hygge. My kids and I love spending time outdoors. We like hiking and playing in our backyard. When the weather is...

5 Steps to Forming Habits for Busy Moms

5 Steps to Forming Habits for Busy Moms

The only thing that might be as hard as quitting an old habit, is forming habits you want to cultivate. These 5 steps will help you start new habits, and actually keep them. This last year I have been extra committed to making some improvements in my life. I didn’t...

5 Things I’ve Learned from 5 Years of Motherhood

5 Things I’ve Learned from 5 Years of Motherhood

My firstborn recently turned 5 years old, and it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. But I now feel like I've crossed some threshold in motherhood, and would love to impart the bits of wisdom I've accumulated to you. These are five of the many lessons I've...

25 Christmas Bucket List Ideas for Moms

25 Christmas Bucket List Ideas for Moms

Need ideas for your Christmas bucket list? These are the 25 things I chose to add to ours this year, and am sharing to give you a bit of inspiration. But before we dive in... What is a Christmas bucket list? Simple. It's just a list of activities you want to do during...

Grateful vs. Thankful, What’s the Difference?

Grateful vs. Thankful, What’s the Difference?

As I sat down to think about all that I am grateful for on this Thanksgiving, I started to wonder, what's the difference in being grateful vs. thankful? Do you ever notice how we use some words interchangeably without really knowing if they mean the same thing? We...

Why Boys Need to See Frozen 2

Why Boys Need to See Frozen 2

Frozen fever has overtaken my home, and it isn't just my little 5-year-old princess belting out the songs. My tiny princes, just 2-years-old, can be heard uttering the phrase "let it go." The first Frozen broke the mold when it comes to Disney princess movies, and...

Dear Moms, Please Never Give Up On Your Dreams.

Dear Moms, Please Never Give Up On Your Dreams.

Feeling a little trapped in motherhood? Being a mom is the most rewarding role, but that doesn't mean we don't have an identity outside of our momlife. It's hard, but mama, never give up on your dreams, even when it seems impossible. Saying to never give up on your...

Being Fat and Loving it Instead of Judging Myself

Being Fat and Loving it Instead of Judging Myself

I decided it’s time to embrace being fat. I’ve tried accepting my new mombod. I’ve tried changing it. I’ve tried to love it for giving me babies and nourishing them.

But what if I try something new and lean into being fat?

What if instead of loving myself and my body even though I’m fat, what if I can rewire my brain to actually see the beauty in my chubby little body?

Maybe I can find a way to embrace my fatness. Can I start seeing my body in the way classical painters saw the curves and dimples of the women they put on the canvas? Can I finally banish those images of Playboy bunnies and 90’s Britney as the ONLY ideals for women?

This is my challenge now. Not to love my body and embrace it for its utility, but to actually see the beauty in cellulite and stomach rolls, stretch marks and thighs with no gap.

I have spent the last 5.5 years either pregnant or breastfeeding. To say my body has gone through some changes would be an understatement. And did I mention that one of those pregnancies was twins?!

I’ve always been a bit chubby. Even when I was at my most fit I still had some cushion for the pushin’ because of how I’m built.

That’s right, even when I literally worked out 5-7 days a week as a high school athlete I had some cellulite on my thighs and my belly wasn’t flat.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated my body. Ever since I can remember having an opinion about the way I looked, I hated the way I looked because I was not perfect.

It seems silly to expect perfection of yourself, but perfectionism is something I struggle with. The worst part is that there was never any chance of me having a perfect body just by my genetics. I’m too short and too curvy and too muscular. I do have some big boobs, but they aren’t the perfectly round and perky ones everyone pays for.

And even now at 32 years old, I have been battling this perfectionism, or at least “good enough”-ism. There’s some mystical bar inside of my mind of what I should weigh and how I should look. If I don’t cross that threshold then I’m just not attractive enough or worthy enough.

Worthy… worthy of what? Love? Happiness? Life itself? All of it?

Ugh.

Guess what. I AM worthy of everything and anything. My worthiness, and frankly my sexiness, is NOT dependent on some ideal dress size.

I beautiful and hot just as I am.

Not only that, but I’m actually healthier being fatter.

You this story has a before and after that seems a little backwards at first glance. My “before” from 2018 is a thinner me, and my “after” from the other day is a more chubby and fat version of me.

Why is that a good thing to be thinner? How can that be a good thing if I am healthier now?

For most of 2018, I was separated from my husband while we worked on ourselves and I had an existential crisis while caring for twin babies and a 3-year-old.

The stress led me to start smoking again, drinking a little more than I’d like to admit in the evenings once the kids were in bed, and not eating most of the time. (And not eating in a bad neglectful way, not a healthy intermittent fasting way.)

I wasn’t getting exercise besides chasing the kids around and was overall just neglecting my own physical needs.

Then last fall, my husband and I decided to give it another shot thankfully. I quit smoking, drink much less, and I eat a healthy diet.

Sure there are donuts that slip in there, but for the most part, I eat salads, home-cooked meals, smoothies, fresh juices, and lots of water. I also do intermittent fasting (the 16:8 method) mostly to help ease some issues like psoriasis, which has been super helpful in diminishing.

I also exercise nearly every single day by going on walks and making sure I get over 10k steps in.

But I have STILL gained about 20 lbs.

So you know what that says to me? That being fatter is actually healthier for me!

No matter how much I try to shake the feeling of inadequacy over this fat, the less happy I am. I don’t want to be worried about eating one of the chocolate chip pancakes I make for my kids. I want to eat the damn pancake and enjoy my life.

And if my family genetics are any clue, I’m probably just going to get fatter as I get older. Oh well. As long as I can keep up with my kids (and hopefully someday grandkids), and I FEEL good, then that’s more important than anything else.

For me, enjoying my life means embracing being fat. Not just accepting it, but learning to see myself as actually sexy, beautiful, and totally worthy because my value as a person isn’t based on a few extra pounds.

PS – I love following Meg Boggs for all things body positivity and mommyhood.

20 Mom Memes We Can Totally Relate To

20 Mom Memes We Can Totally Relate To

Sometimes you need some inspiration, and sometimes you need to laugh. These are mom memes we can all relate to whether they're funny, true, serious, or silly. I don't know about you, but on those tough when that I just need a little distraction from the chaos of...

15 Quotes for Following Your Dreams

15 Quotes for Following Your Dreams

Dreaming of accomplishing some big goals soon? These quotes for following your dreams will keep you going when you need some inspiration.   Need some inspirational quotes for following your dreams? When you are setting big goals for yourself, you'll inevitably...

Stomach Bug? Try a Smoothie for Flu that’s Toddler Approved

Stomach Bug? Try a Smoothie for Flu that’s Toddler Approved

Need to get some nutrition in your little one ASAP when they have a stomach bug? Try a smoothie for flu that is delicious AND nutritious. A few years ago, when my daughter who was then a toddler had the stomach flu, I jotted down this post to give other moms some...

What is Hygge, and Why Moms Need to Know About It

What is Hygge, and Why Moms Need to Know About It

For many of us, Winter is fastly approaching, bringing with it a feeling hibernation. Time to snuggle in and get cozy, and get acquainted with what is Hygge. My kids and I love spending time outdoors. We like hiking and playing in our backyard. When the weather is...

5 Steps to Forming Habits for Busy Moms

5 Steps to Forming Habits for Busy Moms

The only thing that might be as hard as quitting an old habit, is forming habits you want to cultivate. These 5 steps will help you start new habits, and actually keep them. This last year I have been extra committed to making some improvements in my life. I didn’t...

5 Things I’ve Learned from 5 Years of Motherhood

5 Things I’ve Learned from 5 Years of Motherhood

My firstborn recently turned 5 years old, and it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. But I now feel like I've crossed some threshold in motherhood, and would love to impart the bits of wisdom I've accumulated to you. These are five of the many lessons I've...

25 Christmas Bucket List Ideas for Moms

25 Christmas Bucket List Ideas for Moms

Need ideas for your Christmas bucket list? These are the 25 things I chose to add to ours this year, and am sharing to give you a bit of inspiration. But before we dive in... What is a Christmas bucket list? Simple. It's just a list of activities you want to do during...

Grateful vs. Thankful, What’s the Difference?

Grateful vs. Thankful, What’s the Difference?

As I sat down to think about all that I am grateful for on this Thanksgiving, I started to wonder, what's the difference in being grateful vs. thankful? Do you ever notice how we use some words interchangeably without really knowing if they mean the same thing? We...

Why Boys Need to See Frozen 2

Why Boys Need to See Frozen 2

Frozen fever has overtaken my home, and it isn't just my little 5-year-old princess belting out the songs. My tiny princes, just 2-years-old, can be heard uttering the phrase "let it go." The first Frozen broke the mold when it comes to Disney princess movies, and...

Dear Moms, Please Never Give Up On Your Dreams.

Dear Moms, Please Never Give Up On Your Dreams.

Feeling a little trapped in motherhood? Being a mom is the most rewarding role, but that doesn't mean we don't have an identity outside of our momlife. It's hard, but mama, never give up on your dreams, even when it seems impossible. Saying to never give up on your...